I was reading Leke Alder’s book “Mind your business” and came across this topic called the philosophy of underachievement. He talked about guaranteed ways to become or remain a nonentity and many of them struck a chord. Although he shared 21 of them, I would share a few that I think a lot of people practice and do not realize they are on a pathway to guaranteed underachievement. I have modified some of them.

1. The shortest route to underachievement is called Nothing. Just do nothing. Fold your arms and sit down. You can daydream and let your thoughts wander, but just don’t do anything.
2. Make indefinite plans, and each time you miss an opportunity to prove your worth, remind yourself that you have grander plans that will soon manifest.
3. Always wait for the perfect conditions before you start anything. If the conditions aren’t right, don’t even think of starting.
4. Wait for the perfect contract or job even if it takes three years. Why waste your time starting on small jobs when the real ones will soon come along? You’re special and deserve to start life big.
5. Spend time on the process but don’t bother with productivity. The preparation for the assignment should be more than the assignment itself. Gather data, prepare to start and shuffle papers. You should be commended for how much preparation you put into the project, who cares that nothing was achieved?
6. Blame everyone. Your past, the course you studied, ASUU that delayed you in school, bad government, your parents, anyone. Just find someone to blame. Nothing is your fault.
7. Always wait for inspiration before you do your work. What can a man do without inspiration? Wake up in the morning and play motivations speeches before you start your day, or spend time playing mood music at work. You need inspiration o.
8. Close from work very early even when your mates are slaving away. Didn’t you hear that millionaires make money in their sleep? Go home early, no be you kill Jesus. After all, why work hard, only work smart.
9. Accept excuses. When you give your staff or subordinates assignments, accept their excuses that it’s not their field of study or that situations were not favourable.
10. When you attend business meetings, dress carelessly. It’s your skills they want not your dressing. Also, don’t prepare for meetings, you can always bluff your way through or speak big grammar and confuse everyone without being pinned down.
11. See yourself as indispensable. No client can do without you. The company cannot do without you. In fact, you’re doing your clients or employers a favour. They should be thanking you every day you show up.
12. Sleep a lot. It is recommended that you sleep for 8 hours every day, and please don’t forget your siesta. You can’t afford to miss your afternoon nap.
13. Develop a victim mentality. All those people correcting your work are just jealous and envious. Let them let you have your peace, please.
14. Don’t read or study further. What you learnt in university is still relevant. You have left school since and you’ve paid your dues. Let others do the reading.
15. Social media is your best friend. Check your timeline first thing in the morning and make sure you don’t fail to respond to any comment or forget to check any notifications. Who knows, one DM can change your life, and you don’t want to be caught offline when that DM comes.

Just practice these things daily and you’re guaranteed a life of nothingness and total underachievement. Selah.